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mood |
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eh |
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music |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LeR1Mo8S7cs |
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I can try and blame it on humanity only so much. One man can only make so many mistakes before it’s time to say that it’s his own damn fault, and he deserves what he gets. No matter how much it hurts. I’ve never been ashamed to admit when I am hurting, or to tell anyone up front that I deserve the pain that I feel. It just drives me nuts that I am not in control, I think. Not the best choice of words, but I’ve never been great with them as many people have had the misfortune of dealing with. There are things that I wish I could change, and I know that I can’t. I’ve never been a person to want to change anything, I do my best to live without regret.
There are some things that I regret now, and all I can try and do is fix everything that I’ve fucked up. A man has a lot of pride, and I think I’ve had too much at times when it comes to things. I wasn’t the one that it hurt in the end either, my friends, family, and those that I care about more than I’ll probably be able to explain. Life has been anything but wonder since the last time that I wrote, and I really wish that I could say otherwise. Fourth of July was spent in Georgia with a baby doe, and as cute as that sounds and still as much fun as it was it wasn’t where I wanted to be. It wasn’t where my heart was, that was back in NYC with my boy. Where I felt like I should have been, but I because of filming it just couldn’t be done. Which, you know…I get that. I know how tight this schedule is and everything else, so I dealt with it and Mingus understood.
Not everything is like that, simplicity can’t always be applied. There aren’t always legit reasons, and I’d rather not make up excuses. There is no time for that in life, and I’m really an old enough guy as it is. I already act younger the older I get, behaving like a bastard on top of it wouldn’t help. People get hurt by others actions, or the lack there of. I have no one to blame for the neglect that I’ve put upon those I consider close to me. Not just one person, but quite a few. If to be labeled an asshole for life, I wouldn’t bother arguing. It would be fitting.
Someone can only say sorry so many times, their voice can only carry so much begging before it breaks. Words only hold so many bars before the music takes over the rest of the song and you need to prove yourself. Prove that you’re worth while, worth another go. Another chance. Chances in life, in love, and in general are all tricky. There is a large amount of risk involved on both sides, and it’s not always a step that’s easy to take once you’ve gone backwards. To go forward again? It seems all the more heavier, that steady press against your chest but you have to fight through it because it’s worth it. I’ve found myself fighting recently. It’s only because of my own actions that I’ve found myself in the position I am now. Though I see the backward steps taken, I see the silver lining for once. I’ve never been the type of guy to see it as ‘glass half full’ I’ll tell you that much. I’m a realist, but this I’m hoping is my second chance. It’s a risk that’s being taken on me, and it gives me the opportunity to show myself for who I am. To right my wrongs, the ones that I know were wrong. It should have never gotten to this point, but it did. Maybe it was supposed to, maybe this was supposed to be a challenge. Just to help me open up my eyes a little bit, and I have.
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